This is the ULTIMATE ROCK AND TROLL RECORD! Yeah, I know that back in '97 trolling was not a part of our vocabulary but what do you call this CD cover? A 65-year old former teen idol-turned-religious singer and conservative media figure, suddenly donning an earring and black leather vest in order to deliver heavy metal covers? And I'm not even mentioning his posing on a Harley Davidson, Easy Rider-style, on the back cover. It must be a joke, just look at the glimmer in his eye. Someone had a lot a fun designing this cover just to troll us, didn't he? Yes, and no. Yes, I'm sure the graphic designer must have been chuckling all the time while he made this, but no - the record is legit. And if you think the cover is funny, wait 'till you hear the music - you will be ROFL. We're talking about the likes of Metallica executed in honest-to-God Big Band/ Las Vegas entertainer style. Now, some of us remember how Pat Boone built a super successful career in the 50's by taking hot black R&B and turning it into pop mush fit for consumption by white middle-class teens. Hell, he was that decade's second biggest selling artist, next to Elvis! So maybe he figured that if that approach worked with the blues, why not try it on heavy metal? They're both the devil's music, I'll grant you, but Pat Boone ain't afraid of the Devil! The Devil should be afraid of Pat Boone, after what he did to his favorite music! And the funniest thing is that it often works! The big band arrangements are done in earnest with top professional musicians and, surprisingly, some songs seem to lend themselves a little too naturally to the swing treatment, with screaming guitars a little too easily replaced by the catchy jazz riffs and solos and the sudden blasts of brass. As for Boone himself, back in the 50's he was already his generation's less talented singer and his voice hasn't improved with time. Sometimes he croons along to the song merrily and sometimes he just goofily recites the words. But what does it matter? It's precious enough just to listen to Mr. Christian Right-Wing spouting lyrics like "You think it's easy doing one-night stands? Try playing in a rock'n'roll band!". AC/DC's "It's a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock 'n' Roll)", by the way, sounds great in this setting, with its cool Hammond organ and late-night saxes. Ozzy's "Crazy Train" also sounds fine as light jazz - and I dare you not to burst out laughing when the backup singers go "crazy crazy traiin!choo-choo!". On "Paradise City" Boone struggles to keep up while the band plays a fast Tito Puente-like mambo rhythm. In the middle of the song they let up a little to let him catch his breath and off they go again. For the (also Latin-tinged) lead single "Smoke on the Water" they really pull all the stops, even persuading The Man-in-Black himself, Mr. Ritchie Blackmore, to come down from the silver mountain and play some electric guitar. "Holy Diver" likewise has a high profile guest in Ronnie James Dio who adds some (almost inaudible) backing vocals. It is, together with Metallica's "Enter Sandman", the most surreal experience here - that nice easy listening music combined with those dark lyrics. Judas Priest's "You've Got Another Thing Comin'" works well as swing jazz while "No More Mr. Nice Guy" is just hilarious - no other way to describe it. Of the ballads, Hendrix's "The Wind Cries Mary" gets a passable performance, while "Stairway to Heaven" tries to swing unsuccessfully and "Love Hurts" is sappy even for Pat Boone standards. The faux-soul version of Van Halen's "Panama" is probably the CD's lowest point. The album eventually sold well as it became a popular joke gift for metalheads, but at what cost? Worried for his immortal soul (seriously!) Boone's Christian fans intervened to drag him back to the path of righteousness, and thankfully succeeded! I mean, Hell wouldn't be Hell anymore with the likes of Pat Boone around! P.S. Some guy on youtube had the idea of coupling Pat Boone's version of "Holy Diver" with Dio's official video. I'm posting it here, but I have to warn you it's dangerous. People have died of laughter - it's rare but it's been known to happen! I mean, the sight of the late hobbit-sized Metal God wielding a sword is cause enough for hilarity by itself, but when he opens he mouth and you hear Pat Boone's voice you'll be trying to keep control of your bladder...
**** for Smoke on the Water (Deep Purple), It's a Long Way to the Top (AC/DC), Enter Sandman (Metallica), Holy Diver (Dio), Crazy Train (Ozzy Osbourne)
*** for You've Got Another Thing Comin' (Judas Priest), No More Mr. Nice Guy (Alice Cooper), Paradise City (Guns N' Roses), The Wind Cries Mary (Jimi Hendrix Experience)
** for Panama (Van Halen), Love Hurts (Nazareth), Stairway to Heaven (Led Zeppelin)
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